Harry Potter and Fundamentalist Christianity
by Ikiruko
Summary: A Fundie's take on Harry Potter.  In progress.  Rated M for coarse language, mild sexual content, violence, and a bit of drug content.
1. Matthew

Harry Potter and the Righteous Salvation of Fundamentalist Christianity

By Ikiruko

- DISCLAIMER: I own none of these characters, Harry Potter, etc. nor do I claim to. J.K. Rowling does. -

"Sirius... no... where are you? Stop hiding, it's not funny... Wh- AHH!" Harry screamed and ran to the door in front of him. It was locked tight, with bolts shaped like Dobby's head. He cried as he frantically tried to wrench it open, to no avail. Turning, he threw up his arms as a gigantic wheel of cheese rolled closer and closer-

"NO!" he screamed into his pillow, flailing wildly as Hedwig flew above his head, screeching. "Wha-?" He sat upright, staring into the cool twilight of Privet Drive in the early morning hours. He rubbed his eyes, then fell back onto the tangle of sheets and sighed heavily. At least this night was a change - he'd much rather have murderous wheels of cheese than Snape killing Dumbledore (BITCH!) every night. There was no way he could return to sleep, he had to get up and do something, but what? He unwrapped himself from the sheets and began to feverishly pace his bedroom, the cold carpet welcoming his sweaty feet.

He, Harry, bore the weight of the world on his bony shoulders, the responsibility of being the only one who could vanquish Voldemort. The only problem was, he didn't know how. He was a mediocre, relatively untalented boy who barely got by stealing the work of his sinfully promiscuous lady friend. They spent night after ungodly night in the steamy common room, Harry ogling Hermione's tempting figure (he just knew there wasn't a chastity belt under that far-from-knee-length skirt, nor a promise ring on those soft, skilled fingers) while demons danced in the fire. Unfortunately, now she was far too busy whoring herself to every wizard with a long enough wand to help Harry anymore (Ron's was bigger).

But what could he do? He'd tried looking for Horcruxes, but had found nothing, and frankly he'd much rather smoke pot, sacrifice babies, give his body to Satan and practice all the other abominations of witchcraft. Actually, that sounded like a good idea. He bent to fish his stash out of his trunk, and his eye landed on a book on Dudley's virgin shelf that was much larger than the others. He decided it couldn't hurt to open it and see if it could help him somehow, so he crossed the room. He removed it, choked on the billowing cloud of dust that followed, and threw it onto his desk with a resounding thud.

He ran his fingers across the cover, and the peeling gold letters that spelt "HOLY BIBLE... KING JAMES VERSION." Sitting down, he flipped to a random place inside the book and read, "_That which we have seen and heard declare we unto you, that ye also may have fellowship with us: and truly our fellowship is with the Father, and with his Son Jesus Christ_." He continued reading, so deeply that the page rustled slightly as his nose brushed the aged paper. Suddenly, it hit him. He was floored. It was so obvious, he couldn't believe he hadn't thought of it before. He flew from his chair and began pacing once more. "All I have to do is pray!" His voice trembled with excitement. Kneeling in front of the window, he cried, "Dear Father, I beg of you, help me defeat Lord Voldemort!" His voice echoed around the room. Nothing much happened. Patiently, he tried again. Hedwig gave an annoyed screech. "Muffliato!" He pointed his wand at the door, maintaining the protective barrier that kept his aunt and uncle from hearing the sounds coming from his room. "Wait, that's it!"

He jumped back into the chair and shuffled through the book. Hours later, as the sun began to peek through the window, he finally sat up. "Okay, this book is painfully boring, but I think the gist of it is that only Jesus and the Father are allowed to use magic. I hope. I'm certainly not going back through there to make sure." He knelt at the window once more, wand in hand. "I hope I'm doing the right thing." As he snapped it in half, red smoke swirled and left through the window, and he thought he might have heard a few notes of phoenix song. "Father, I renounce my evil ways, I renounce magic, and I give myself to your Goodness and Graciousness. I beg of you, help me defeat Lord Voldemort!"

Something happened this time. He was showered in blinding golden light, and the remains of his wand burst into flames. He had found Salvation.


	2. Mark

"Harry, my son." A voice echoed down to him, a voice older than time itself and wiser than a million prophets. "I've been waiting for you." Harry frantically flattened his hair and said, "Father, will you help me? I don't know what else to do." "Yes, my dear son, I will aid you." The light grew brighter, and Harry shielded his eyes. "Lord Voldemort, the False God. I call upon him to repent." Seconds passed, and the Voice said no more. Finally, "He chooses not to repent. He boasts his powers rival that of Myself. His life is extinguished." Harry looked up, then looked back down quickly, rubbing his eyes. "Is he gone?" "Yes, my son, no more harm on this Earth will be caused by him. However, I must ask something of you." "Yes, Father?" "You must spread the Way. You are a sinner. Your friends are sinners. Your entire community is formed of sinners. Take the Book and spread the Word, and you will be forgiven."

The voice faded, and the light disappeared. Harry stared into the morning. "After my birthday, I'm going to go stay with the Weasleys. I'll start there."

Skip ahead to Harry's 17th birthday. He's a man now! While Voldemort swapped stories with Hitler in Hell, Harry sat at the Dursleys' kitchen table. Aunt Petunia was in the woman's domain, the kitchen, cooking breakfast for her family. "Hurry up, woman!" Uncle Vernon called to her, trimming his toenails at the table. "Oh, and by the way, you need to sweep the floor. It's filthy!" "Yes, dear," she sighed, flipping the eggs haphazardly.

Uncle Vernon rose from the table, sending his empty plate flying to the floor. "WHAT DID YOU SAY?" he screamed, showering his wife in saliva. "I - I said yes dear, I'm sorry, I didn't mean-" "DON'T YOU EVER TAKE THAT UNGRATEFUL TONE WITH ME! DO I NOT PROVIDE FOR YOU-" "Yes, yes dear, you do, and I'm ever so thankful-" "DON'T INTERRUPT ME!" He knocked her to the floor. She began crying, and Harry looked away uncomfortably.

Vernon took his seat at the table, muttering, "Women." "Dudley, don't you ever let a woman think she's little miss something, you put her in her place when she needs it." "Yes, sir." Dudley had a thrilled expression on his face as his mother sobbed on her knees. After 17 years, Harry was used to it, but he still couldn't watch.

"Uncle Vernon, sir, I was in my bedroom and I found a Bible-" "AND YOU PUT YOUR FILTHY LITTLE PAWS ON IT, DID YOU? I WON'T HAVE THE HOLY wORD DEFILED-" "No sir, no sir, I find I quite agree with it, and I've decided to stop practicing you-know-what-" "WHY, I OUGHT TO FLOOR YOU RIGHT NOW, YOU LITTLE - Wait. You've stopped doing... it?" "Yes sir, I'm ready to give myself to the Way of the Lord and I've abandoned my sinful ways."

Vernon looked as though the Second Coming had occurred, and Jesus had brought him pizza. "This is magnificent! Another sinning, misguided soul brought 'round to the way of the Lord! Hallelujah!" Harry beamed. "I knew when you first came here that you'd be an... atheist-" he shuddered "-just like those parents of yours, but now... Praise the Lord! PRAISE THE LORD!" His voice rose to cover the hiccoughs coming from the kitchen. "SHUT UP, WOMAN! Oh, Harry, son, there's so much I have to teach you! First lesson." He rose from his chair. "Get what you want. I WANT BREAKFAST!" He floored Aunt Petunia again. She reappeared with a black eye.

"Harry, I need to take you out today, I can show you things-" "Sorry, sir, but I'm going to my friend Ron's house today." "WHAT? THOSE SINNING LITTLE-" "Uncle Vernon, sir, I want to show them the Way! I'll spread the Word and show them the error of their ways!" "Well, well, that's all fine and settled then. I'll miss you, son." He ruffled Harry's hair.

We're at the Weasleys' now. Who really cares about how Harry got there? That's just boring stuff. I have a story to tell. "Oh, Harry, I missed you so much," the Whore of Babylon moaned, spreading her legs. Such a dirty little slut. "I missed you too, Hermione, listen, I've so much to tell you-" "Oy, mate!" Behemoth fondled the Whore, and extended his hand to spread his sin and disease to the Boy Who Was Saved. The Boy wisely declined. "Ron, you need to gather everyone, I really need to tell you this-" But then, the Whore's Apprentice ran in, red hair and full bosom bouncing (she obviously shunned the Heavenly restrictive garments that chaste girls wear). She said nothing, but thrust her tongue into the Boy's mouth in an effort to lure him to the side of the unclean. "Off, woman!" Harry shoved her aside. "Females will speak or act only when it is asked of them!" "Oy mate, what the bloody hell is wrong with you?" Ron's expression was horrified. "Nothing, I've come to fix you!" Harry bowed his head.

Harry and Ron descended the stairs, each pulling a Whore by the arm. "Our Father wouldn't take them," Harry panted. "No one will." "RON, HELP ME!" Hermione screamed, blinded by the blood pouring from the fresh "HARLOT" carved into her forehead. Arthur Weasley met them at the landing. "I'll take these," he said, dragging the sluts off to the kitchen. "Molly will teach you some womanly duties."

While Molly, Tonks, Hermione, and Ginny cooked dinner like the bitches they were, the men praised the Lord and discussed sports. Quidditch was sinful and ungodly; they preferred righteous sports like American football, rugby, and murder. "Did you hear they're going to stone Eccentrica Gallumbits tomorrow?" "Yeah, I bet she'll squeal like the unnatural little whore she is." "Oh, Harry and Ron, did you hear that Hogwarts is reopening? Voldemort died of an anal rupture after spending the night with Mundungus Fletcher, so everything's safe now." "That's great," said Harry. "I have some totally righteous plans for the place."

"Dinner's ready," Molly panted, pushing sweaty hair out of her eyes. "It's about time, Wife!" Arthur Weasley led the group of men to the dining room, where a ten-course feast awaited them. "This is it? I'm starving, woman! You don't even try for your husband!" 20 years of marriage had turned Molly into a decent wife (as decent as a woman could be, anyway), and she said nothing. "Yes, dear, I'll make it up to you."

Later that night, Harry lay awake in his bed. His thoughts were punctuated every now and then by loud moans coming from the next room. I've given this story the highest rating just to be on the safe side, so why hold back? Arthur Weasley was a Godly man, and he had sex the Christian way - in the missionary position (it has that name for a reason), not thinking about her pleasure, and Praising the Lord whenever he needed to. What's a wife for if not to pleasure her husband? Protection is ungodly, but he didn't even need it anyway, because his wife isn't a filthy little disease-catcher who beds everything that moves, and children are God's precious little gifts. It's just what Jesus intended.


	3. Luke

We're at Hogwarts now, or at least where it used to be. You want to know how they got there? Fine. They got cars from the Ministry-turned-Church, and took the Godforsaken train. How else would they get there? Harry looked in the mirror before getting off the train. "Perfect!" He had managed to compel the Whore into turning his dreadful lightning-bolt scar into a Heavenly Cross. Priests' robes were standard uniform now, and they were planning a bonfire on the Quidditch-Pitch-turned-Praise-Field to discard their hats. "You'd know all about that, wouldn't you?" Harry asked the Whore, who I'll bet my life has participated in a bra-burning or a Satanic ritual at least once in her life. She would've liked to respond, but her mouth was too swollen with herpes to make any understandable sounds.

They congregated in the Great Hall, and the Sorting took place. This Sorting didn't involve a hat, rather it was more of a Sorting and Carving. The Patil twins (whom God didn't take) left with "INFIDEL" carved on their foreheads, Snape (who had returned to the school but still wasn't taken by God) left with "JEW," and every single other girl left with "HARLOT," because, really, what female isn't one? The female teachers were stripped of their titles and all of the females left to prepare dinner.

While dinner was made, the men discussed topics like money ("I'm so sick of hearing about those damn orphans in Africa. They're so filthy and disgusting that they get GAIDS, and are too lazy to get jobs to support themselves so they expect us to do it? No thank you."), politics ("I wonder if George Bush will accept our offer to become Minister of the Church? I'm more and more convinced that he's truly God's gift to the world"), and other things that women just aren't capable of understanding.

TO BE CONTINUED. Reviews are very much appreciated. I'll probably add more sometime tomorrow.


End file.
